B

That's my grade in student teaching. You know, a B really isn't *THAT* bad, but it's not up to my perfectionist standards. I broke down during my evaluation today--imagine, if you will, three people of note in your chosen field telling you that you still have a lot to work on and, oh, by the way, you show no passion for said field. They were surprised when I told them the reason I wanted to teach English was because I love English.

So now I have to try and formulate an "I'm sorry I made an ass out of myself today" email to send to my co-ops and my supervisor. I wouldn't argue my grade with them, which disturbed them. I mean, if they'd said "D" I would've been like...woah, wtf? But a B is acceptable. Unless you're me.

If I had it to do all over again...my g-d, the changes I'd make. I would teach TKAM so much differently. And "The Things They Carried," too. I would have opted not to sleep, because I think sleep is what did me in. I couldn't function after a certain hour and, rather than pushing myself, I went to sleep. If I had opted out of sleep for that past 14 weeks, I could have developed much better lessons...even if I couldn't implement them 'cause I was too g.d. tired.

On another note...how can I show passion when I'm confined by what I must focus on with a particular text? And when I'm being evaluated every other week? And when, from the get-go, there wasn't a lot I was doing right? That sort of thing wears a person down and, sometimes, you give in. I did stand up for myself at one point and I said that I did think I was praising the students, but that's about it. Mostly I sat, and read, and tried not to cry. Clearly, that didn't work in the end.

So I got gas and a Big Grab of Cool Ranch Doritos. Now I feel sick, bloated and blah.