Cynicism? All full up, thanks.

Now, I have a cynical side to me, of which I am sure most of you are aware. But this cynicism is tempered from time to time by strange little things called "realistic ideals," in which I happily fantasize about things that can realistically happen and make me happy all at the same time.

The problem with anyone who has worked ANYWHERE for a significant amount of time is his or her cynicism about the job/establishment/whatever. They still enjoy the work, but the realities of it have left them with less-than-stellar expectations. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about.

All of my fellow English people (well, the ones I interacted with the most today) were wonderful, but they kind of brought me down a little bit. I'm not going into teaching to change the world, but I figure if I get one kid in each of my eight classes to like a book or two by the end of the year, I'll have succeeded in my goal. If most of my kids can successfully fill out a job application in complete sentences, that would also qualify. Are these high or ridiculous expectations? I don't think so.

Tomorrow looks to be a LONG day. I have to be in by 7:25 to sign in (that's right, teachers have to sign in too) and then I get to learn the gradebook system, along with lots of other fun things--like the schedule, grading policies, etc. Then finally, we get to sitting down and talking about summer reading, the first cycle, etc. Oh, and hopefully get our textbooks. (The sophomore books hadn't arrived as of yesterday. Good thing I won't see them until the middle of September, eh?)

I have been eating like a very bad person, my walks have not been up to par, and I really don't care, which makes me feel even worse. Everyone who's seen me since I started losing weight told me I look good, so I have the internal motivation to continue, but I'm just SO bored--with food, with working out, everything. I'm not sure why this is all hitting me now.

I realized the other day that my bf might be right: I am not, generally, a happy person. Sure, I have happy moments, but even when I get what I want, there's always soemthing else that's eluding me. I don't know how much of this is my own devising, but I can't seem to get out from under it. Even this time right now, getting ready to start a new job which I am so excited about, is tempered by negativity (see above). What's a girl to do? Are there any genuinely happy people out there who want to teach a lesson in it? I'll bake you cookiees or something.