Guess I gotta go back
Well, after a lot of sleep on Friday, I'm actually feeling much better. Granted, I haven't done anything really strenuous (read: I've walked up and down the stairs a few times) but I think I'll be o-k to go back to work. The kids won't be seeing my usual enthusiasm for life, but I'll be more enthusiastic than I was on Thursday when all of my kids kept asking me if I was in a bad mood.
We got our Christmas tree today. White lights, red ribbons, and some assorted glass balls are all that decorated it; very traditional and simple. Trying to convince the bf he wants to go to Mystic and look at it all lit up for Christmas; doesn't that sound quaint and terribly New England? I think it sounds cold, but different.
Here's to a winning Vikings' day.
4 Comments:
Wow.
That's all I can say. Just wow. How, after 5 years, can you be so off the mark? I have a thousand and one different thoughts and impulses in my head right now which I am trying to quell. Needless to say, discussion(s) shall ensue. Let me say to our audience first that I don't take anything said by you to heart, because none of you know me or vice versa. And going solely by what has been written on this blog over the past year (all of which I read over the past two hours) it paints a very narrow, negative and ignorant picture of who I am and what the state of my relationship is and has been with Karen. I don't wish to start a flame war here, as I know you are all her friends and owe allegiance to her. Suffice it to say, speaking in broad generalities I have been the cheerleader in a relationship for almost 5 years doing all I can to raise this girl's mood. A bottle of wine for your birthday is a let-down? Ok. How about the $250 stones on your neck? How unbelievably inappropriate of you to spit on a gift that I gave to you early because I so wanted to give it to you. Now I wonder why. And I ESPECIALLY wonder about the X-mas gift I have had here in a little box for several months. But cheer up, because this little comment I'm posting should give you WEEKS of play with your audience.
I hope you feel a whole lot better than you did yesterday when I made a special trip out there to cheer you up and you gave me the mute treatment.
I leave you to your fantasy world. I remain in the tangible one, should you wish to contact me.
BRETT
Sara, I know you love her too. I'm glad you're friends. You know what she writes you and what you see in just one week a year in San Antonio. Note that she doesn't vacation with me. What you don't see or experience is the constant doldrum. When we met, she was literally having a breakdown a week because all of her friends were leaving her. For years, I have quite literally prayed on a nightly basis that Karen would be happy. "Please, God. All I want is for Karen to be happy." For years, I have done all sorts of special things from going away to bed and breakfasts to surprising her with very expensive jewelry, as well as all the standard flowers, gifts, etc. I have done or tried every possible thing I could think of to try and make her happy and KEEP her that way. Obviously, I have not been successful.
The problem now is that we both think it is a one-sided relationship and that we've each been the one going through hell. Personally, I don't think she's loved me for a long time. Loved the idea of me, of a ring, of children. Just not me. Those are the things that make her happy. Being at weddings, seeing other peoples' children. I could give her those things in the snap of a finger, but I fear the happiness would only be momentary. I also think she has delved too deeply into the internet and reflecting other peoples' opinions and reactions to incomplete stories that she shares. My reaction last night was one of feeling betrayed, sad and obviously angry. I don't talk to my friends about our problems or her issues, and certainly never have before in a public setting such as this. So to see your love trashed online, that's a hard pill to take. To see your loved one's truly negative view of you, the inner monologue and peoples' nonchalant scathing remarks would shock any soul.
Also, what makes me an ass? If that is the opinion of the audience and her close-friends-kept-at-a-distance, how was it formed? Give me point by point and I'll give you the context from the other side of the bed. Every story has two sides. Neither one is usually 100% right, but let me at least represent myself before I'm just "the asshole." Since Karen obviously talks to everyone else more than me on topics directly related to me, I would consider it enlightening to learn more about myself from perfect strangers.
A fair enough assessment. I'm still angry, but now I'm remembering a lot of other little things that have come to pass over time. My problem is that no matter what I do, I don't get through with her. I know something is wrong, so I try to talk to her. She doesn't talk. I've tried coaxing, joking, any way possible to get her to talk about things, but she prefers to brood and let problems fester. This has been the case since Day 1, but now its causing some fairly major problems. All she has to do is talk, I'm an open book. The problem is that when we DO talk, the problems which have been built up into deep emotional landmines (or roadside bombs under current Iraqi invasion terminology) are built up over fluff. I've felt helpless on this front for a long time and have begun to give up hope. Why bother since it's going to blow up later anyway? Why go to the trouble of doing nice things when they are taken for granted? Why work hard at the relationship when, again, it is taken for granted? When was the last time she did something nice for me? Selfish to ask, but this IS a relationship and they're not one-sided. I can't remember the last time she went out of her way for me. Hell, it literally has been and is a fight just to get her to come to MY house every once in a while. Oh Lord, grant me a flog that I might flog myself as I travel to Brett's house. I live with a labotamy because I have chosen to stay at home and save money until my job moves me into a permanent position. She doesn't get that at all. It always comes back as, "Why don't you get an apartment so I can move in? You're not mature enough because you live at home." What I am trying to say is that the bullet points that repeat in our conversations often come up as empty topics. They mean nothing, yet she focuses on them. They aren't real issues. Like last night, she tried to tell me that I look down on her family because when she told me her mom was thinking of buying a new car I questioned the logic and wondered why they didn't put the money towards something else like their house since they have always gotten by on the Volvos while the house has taken a back seat. A new car would be great, in my opinion, but she took my comment to be some cut against her family. In return, last night I took HER comment to be an affront to my honor because I love her family VERY much. They are a very close group and some of the best people I know! So the series of misinterpreting continues and I remain, after 5 years with one girl, almost wholly misunderstood. And I'm not even venturing to comment on Karen's opinions of my family - which she has voiced quite clearly about my parents and grandmother in the past.
I just don't know what to do at this point. I'm out of options w/ K. She obviously thinks I'm dirt and won't talk to me about basic issues we're facing, so what else can I do? I'm not the type to grovel unless it were expressly my fault. That is by no stretch of imagination what has happened here. We started off 5 years ago and moved forward from there, growing as people. Now it looks like she got off the bus a ways back and I've just been coasting along under the delusion of a functioning (read - we have our problems like anyone, but are working on them) relationship.
Any truly helpful suggestions? I don't want this to be the end. =(
I have plenty of helpful suggestions. Email BulkyMonster@yahoo.com, I prefer to keep the drama to a minimum.
By the way, I don't know why you feel the need to use "Iraqi terms" but land mines are still landmines and roadside bombs are called IEDs.
Post a Comment
<< Home