Overwhelmed, party of one

I've been trying for two days now to articulate what my life has been like. Since most of my "readers" are either busy themselves or ignoring me, I figured no one would care overly much, but I thought I'd try and get it out there anyway, in case someone is paying attention.

First of all, I really love everyone that I work with. They have been nothing but nice to me, and always asking me how I'm doing. I was able to express myself a few times and, even if I was saying stupid newbie things, they still let me have my piece before they told me that I was wrong or it wouldn't work. And they'd tell me why. How nice.

Secondly, freshmen are the best. They're so cute, and eager to please. Even if some of them DIDN'T do the summer reading, they feel pretty bad about it. And they learn quickly--oh, wait, she won't let us leave if we're not all seated when the bell rings. So smart.

Thirdly, my seniors are going to be hell. They think I have too many rules for seniors, they're pissed that I'm making them sit in assigned seats, and they don't want to do anything that might possibly resemble homework. I haven't put together my list of consequences for breaking class rules yet; I want to talk to my mentor (another peach, btw) about it. I don't want to give detentions for missing assignments, but I feel it might have to be the thing with these folks.

Some of my students live in my town and know where I live because of my brother. I'm not sure what to do about this...what do I do if they show up at my house, vicious intending or not? Need to talk to the mentor about that too.

I want to go to bed now.

I think I'm going to be sick

Okay, so I've been awake for about an hour now. I have a rip-roaring headache which might be part of a hang-over but I'm thinking has more to do with the heat than anything else. My stomach is making me feel vaguely nauseuos. Oh, and my knees hurt for a little randomness.

I should have known I was this nervous when last night (er, Saturday night) I was having all these whacked out dreams about being late to school, not having all my photocopies done, that sort of thing. I'm still panicing about the latter, and I know I should have gone to Staples yesterday instead of the Sangerbund, but I needed to unwind.

Cleo is trying to help me feel better, I think, because she's awake with me and being cute. It is actually helping a bit. I wish I could fall back asleep, though. I laid in bed for 20 minutes just staring at the ceiling before succumbing to the insomnia. Maybe after I post this, I can sleep for the next two hours before I have to get up for real.

I think I'm also secretly (well, not anymore) stressed about Kelly's departure to the big desert today. I'm obviously physically removed from most of the drama, but I do worry about her going over there and I don't have a really good way to deal with that worry other than to think about it on top of everything else I'm thinking about.

To everyone starting school as a student or a teacher this week: bonne chance! We're going to need it.

Cynicism? All full up, thanks.

Now, I have a cynical side to me, of which I am sure most of you are aware. But this cynicism is tempered from time to time by strange little things called "realistic ideals," in which I happily fantasize about things that can realistically happen and make me happy all at the same time.

The problem with anyone who has worked ANYWHERE for a significant amount of time is his or her cynicism about the job/establishment/whatever. They still enjoy the work, but the realities of it have left them with less-than-stellar expectations. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about.

All of my fellow English people (well, the ones I interacted with the most today) were wonderful, but they kind of brought me down a little bit. I'm not going into teaching to change the world, but I figure if I get one kid in each of my eight classes to like a book or two by the end of the year, I'll have succeeded in my goal. If most of my kids can successfully fill out a job application in complete sentences, that would also qualify. Are these high or ridiculous expectations? I don't think so.

Tomorrow looks to be a LONG day. I have to be in by 7:25 to sign in (that's right, teachers have to sign in too) and then I get to learn the gradebook system, along with lots of other fun things--like the schedule, grading policies, etc. Then finally, we get to sitting down and talking about summer reading, the first cycle, etc. Oh, and hopefully get our textbooks. (The sophomore books hadn't arrived as of yesterday. Good thing I won't see them until the middle of September, eh?)

I have been eating like a very bad person, my walks have not been up to par, and I really don't care, which makes me feel even worse. Everyone who's seen me since I started losing weight told me I look good, so I have the internal motivation to continue, but I'm just SO bored--with food, with working out, everything. I'm not sure why this is all hitting me now.

I realized the other day that my bf might be right: I am not, generally, a happy person. Sure, I have happy moments, but even when I get what I want, there's always soemthing else that's eluding me. I don't know how much of this is my own devising, but I can't seem to get out from under it. Even this time right now, getting ready to start a new job which I am so excited about, is tempered by negativity (see above). What's a girl to do? Are there any genuinely happy people out there who want to teach a lesson in it? I'll bake you cookiees or something.

3-for-1 deal.

For the boringness that is my life, these past couple of days have been rather action-packed. Friday I went to see the bf at work for lunch, then went over to his house for awhile for a dip in the pool. The humidity on Friday...bleh, it was horrible. Friday night was fun and excitment at Anathema's apartment. Relatively speaking, I drank too much, but I got to hang out with some very cool people and shake my groove thang a bit. My groove thang hurt the next morning; it hadn't been shook in a while ;) Also got my official offer letter on Friday afternoon, so Monday in between orientation crap, I can sign my paperwork. Of course, because I was a lucky random-audit person for my transcripts, my certification is still pending and I, therefore, am only going to be paid as a sub until that goes through. Mf.

Saturday I awoke far too early from my 2 am bedtime, 1) because of the cat and 2) because the power went out and it suddenly got very quiet in my bedroom. We were sans electricity 'til about 12:30, which is why I didn't post yesterday in case anyone was wondering about that. Then my parents had some friends over and my father finally figured out how to get the digital camera to talk to the computer. But I was the one who figured out how to save the pictures in an easily locatable spot. Go me. I rock the kasbah.

Today is "get ready for re-entry into the real world" day. Sort of. I need to go through some of the crap in my room (I know, I keep saying that) and throw out stuff like old classified sections of the newspaper that I (thankfully!) no longer need. Have to figure out what I'm going to wear tomorrow. Wish I knew the curriculum I'm going to be teaching; wouldn't that be nice?

Also, today is the time honored classic, Family Shooting Day. No, it's not where you go out and shoot your family, it's where you and your family go to the shooting range and shoot at paper targets. Mostly, this is so everyone can laugh at me as I cannot hit what I shoot at. It's really quite sad.

The Urge to Purge

After reading Leila's blog, I feel this sudden urge to get rid of a whole bunch of stuff that's in my room. I know my room is ridiculously overcluttered, and I have so much stuff that just doesn't need to be in this house anymore. But I'm horribly money-minded, and I hate the idea that I paid (or my parents paid, or SOMEONE paid) for something and I might just throw it out. That seems horrible to me. But the kind of stuff I have doesn't usually move at tag sales (I know, I've tried) so I don't know what to do with it. E-bay? That'd be great if we (meaning my father, it's his problem, really, not mine) could figure out how to get pictures onto the computer. Anyone want a set of Star Wars Vehicle Plates circa 1995? Well, maybe not the whole set...I might keep one or two.

I have too much stuff in my life. I really do. I wish I could be all zen or minimalist or something. But I look at some stuff, like gifts from...well, I guess I can't call her my best friend anymore, I hardly talk to her...from a close childhood friend and think "this is when we were still close; I can't get rid of that." But does one need that kind of emotional wound reopened every time one sees a jewlery box? Is that any more or less healthy? Should I just freakin' call her? How does one have a conversation like that: Hi, it's me. I'm wondering why you don't like me anymore. How ridiculous does that sound coming from an almost-24-year-old person?

Sometimes I wish I had to move really suddenly, and I was forced to re-evaluate all the crap in my life and say "what is absolutely neccessary for me to be happy?" It would force me to just deal with all my toys and collectibles and stuff that I've been amassing for a really long time. It's not that I suddenly dislike the stuff, I just feel it's making me...more tense than I need to be. Especially when one lives with one's parents, shouldn't one's bedroom be a sanctuary, besides the place to hold stuff? I often wonder, also, if part of my problem is simply that I am trying to live with an apartments worth of stuff in the bedroom of a 12 year old. If I could get my computer and TV out of there...if I could spread some of this stuff out...would I still keep it all? Would I collect more? Would I somehow look less scattered?

These early-morning contemplations brought to you by orange juice, nervousness about a cat's vet visit, and excitement about visiting a new "job site." (There's more on that last part once it's official).

Look, stupid memegens!

Create A My Little Pony Persona by hollyann
Your Name
Your First Pony Name	Rainbow
Your Second Pony Name	Crunch
Your Pony Species	Windy Wing Pony
Your Body Colour	Caramel-colour
Your Hair Colour	Rainbow (Summer Colours)
Quiz created with MemeGen!

What innuendo from HP book 5 are you? by Lunadeath
Name
Age
Fav. character(s)
Innuendo:	"Harry, we saw Uranus up close!"
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Years at Hogwarts by nevermindless
Name:
The Sorting Hat places you in:	Gryffindor (Red and Gold)
Subject you are naturally best at:	Charms
Your favorite book:	Madcap Magic for Wacky Warlocks
Pet you bring to school:	Oriental Hawk Owl
You are most known for:	You're HUGE crush on Harry.
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Rant on Rap (part 2)

Okay, so yesterday I treated myself to two new CDs with a gift certificate I got many moons ago for graduation. I purchased Alanis Morrissette's new one, as well as the 2nd Avril Lavigne CD. The latter CD is a lot like the first, but the melodies are certainly catchy.

As I was listening to Alanis, I once again found myself really identifying with a lot of what she was singing--either from past or current experiences. And then I started thinking about my students from this summer, and how so many of them said they "didn't relate" to any of the music they listen to.

Then it hit me. My students were predominantly urban, listening to predominantly rap. What do rap artists talk about? Gettin' high, gettin' laid, tryin' not to get shot. Or they talk about all the Gs they're making. Well of COURSE these kids can't relate to any of the music they listen to. This music is lacking a certain amount of intellectual depth that we find in (some) pop music and (more) rock music.

So, I asked my brother about this, because I know the bf doesn't listen to the lyrics of songs. Now, Mr. Anti-Social (the brother, not the bf) told me that while he doesn't listen to the lyrics of a song on the first go-round, he does after that and, yes, he does identify with music from time to time. My brother likes classic rock and some of that guitar-laden "new" rock that isn't as angry as say...Limp Bizkit.

I'd love some feed back on this. Am I just being a white, suburban bigot? Or have I actually hit on something?

The Redeption (or not) of Marius Pontmercy

As a mildly well-read person, I have distinct opinions about certain characters that I encounter. It would take quite the rendition of a story, or quite the argument, to make me change my mind about any given character.

We all know how I feel about Paris. Lancelot has only been redeemed in one version of his story--"King Arthur" of late. Guenivere is 50-50. While Kenneth Branaugh does one of the better Hamlet's, I still think the character is utterly hopeless and just needs to get on with it already!

Marius Pontmercy of "Les Miserables" was also one of these characters. I had never liked him, no matter how much I loved the musical, or how many times I saw it. I thought he was a wealthy brat who treated Eponine like dirt. Didn't like Cosette much, either, but that's not really here nor there.

Then I began to read Hugo's opus, and when Marius was introduced, I actually felt a bit bad for the bloke. Dead mother, taken from his father, crazy grandfather and aunt raising him. He was beginning to have redeemable, dare I say, even likable, qualities.

But no. Once again, my pre-conceived notions of the character were dead-balls on. He's got himself all ready to save Valjean (who he doesn't know is Valjean, but whatever) from the Thenardiers (who he doesn't know are the Thenardiers) when he goes all Hamlet on us and decides to "wait" to see if he can learn any more. Valjean could be killed and he's waiting to satisfy his...whatever--Dead father's last wish? Morbid curiosity? I haven't decided yet. At any rate, his putz status has been re-established.

I'm on page 813 of 1463, so my opinion might yet change again. But I wanted to rant about this idiot.

La, La, La, I can't hear you

I'm stealing this from Sarah's blog. Really, everyone should try this site. I stumped it the first time, but that's probably because I didn't know all the answers myself and was just guessing.

It's raining, which means I won't be going for a walk today. Once again, my workout is starting to bore me profoundly. Such is the way of things. Unemployment is one of the worst things a person can do to me; I don't know if I could be a stay-at-home-wife. Stay-at-home-mom, yes, because kids keep ya busy, but not a stay-at-home-wife. I suppose I should be using this time to be writing but...well, see two posts ago for the reason that ain't happening.

I get to bring my cat to the vet today. She doesn't know it yet, of course, but I think she's suspicious (can cats be suspicious?) because I won't let her outside. It's just her annual check-up and vaccines, so it shouldn't be TOO traumatic for me or for her.

Not so sure Texas is going to happen now. I really should have started looking for a job back in June or even earlier, because school starts down there next week. And every website I go to either has no jobs posted, or no jobs teaching English posted. The fairy tale has come to an end. Perhaps we can work out some short or long vacations down there, however, depending on if I ever get a job and what the school calendar looks like.

I should be preparing a 15 minute lesson for my interview tomorrow. Seriously, what do they expect me to teach in fifteen minutes? I've just spent six weeks planning stuff to cover two hours! I'll do something CAPT oriented and hope that makes everyone happy. Happy enough to hire me. The starting pay for this particular job...she is not bad.

Watched "Highlander: Endgame" last night on TV. Gosh, that movie is something else. I mean, staring at Adrian Paul in period costume is not a bad thing, but the story and the acting...a little thin, I gotta say.

Speaking of movies...are you ladies going to see "Hero" with Jet Li when it comes out? It looks right up your alley.

Now sending this post into the great abyss of the internet...

Reviews

Let's start with books. I read this book called "The Shadow of God" which is about the siege of a Greek island during the 1500s. Not a bad book, but there were several blatant typos. Not "only an English major would spot that" typos, but really obvious ones. Let's give it three out of five stars. The story jumped around a bit more than I would have liked.

Also read "Under the Black Flag," a sort of synopsis of piracy during its hey-day. Definitely a very interesting book, which taught me a lot that I did not know, but the author was fixated on really old pirate movies. The book was published several years before "Pirates of the Caribbean," but there were pirate movies between that one and say, the black and white silents, you know? Four out of five stars.

Onto movies. While in Canada, my cousin and I rented "Down with Love." Now, I thought this movie was funny and appropriately mocking, but she didn't appear to appreciate it as much. Still, you get to hear Ewan McGreggor sing, which is 100% NOT a bad thing. Three and a half out of five stars.

Also went to see "The Village" once I got home. It was very like Shamylan's other work, and yet very unlike it as well. Joaquin did a good job, as did Blythe Howard. I won't say any more about it in case some of my readers haven't seen it yet. Four and a half out of five stars, mostly because it's a little slow to get started.

And finally, we have "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle." Oh my goodness, this movie was laugh out loud funny. The humor was definitely on the "American Pie" level of sophistication, but laughing at stoners is fun. Four and a half out of five stars.

Reward for Returned Muse

Due to the unemployment illness which does not seem to be affecting other people I know, I have lost all inspiration. Everytime I think about writing, it just makes me want to curl up and read or take a nap. I know that is exactly why I should write, but I am, nonetheless, feeling rejected by my muse.

Allergies. God, do I hate allergies. I wake up and I feel like a cross between a fountain and a fog horn. Or perhaps a goose. Regardless, this makes it very difficult to accomplish anything because I'm constantly stopping to blow my nose or scratch my eyes. (Case in point, I stopped typing twice during that sentence for my eyes).

After the disasterous effects of a weekend at my grandmother's house, I have decided to get back on the bandwagon of healthy-ness. Although my eating was horrible Saturday, I did go for about an hour-long walk. Eating was better yesterday, and also included a walk. My arms are totally grossing me out due to their "sudden" flabbiness, so I think I might do some weights today. I hate weights. Mostly because they bore me.

Laptop has found a new way to annoy me: kicking me offline every ten minutes or so. This is not a very productive way to get anything done, so now I'm using my parents computer with even more frequency than before. Laptop is still good as a portable typewriter, but who knows how long that will last. I need to play the computer file shuffle and burn with the boyfriend before BOTH my computers go the way of the dodo bird.

I have some phone calls to make and letters to send today re: employment, so hopefully something will pan out this week. The clock, she ticks, and she ticks for me.

Road Trips, Quizzes, and Sea-God sacrifices

You're Fez!


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Cleveland
You are blue collar and Rock n Roll. You Work hard and party harder.

Well, I'm back from Canada. The trip back was worse than the trip there, mostly because Dad & I were stuck waiting in border traffic for an hour in a car that had no gas so we had to keep turning it off instead of idling. After that, it was pretty straight forward.

It was definitely a nice vacation. I got to spend a lot of time with my cousin, who is just a wonderful person. She's got a beautiful little boy, she's funny, she's patient, she's smart...well, she's very much the kind of person I would like to be.

There are, however, no pictures from my trip. Why, you may ask? Well, Tuesday night we went to the beach with one of cousin's friend and the "baby" (he's two). I was taking some pictures while in the water, so I had my camera with me. I heard my cousin's friend say "uh oh" and when I turned aroudn the "baby" was under the water, flailing, with eyes as big as saucers, and looking more than a little frightened. He couldn't figure out how to stand up. So I rushed over to him and, camera in hand, picked him up out of the water. The sea gods demanded a sacrifice; my camera was a better alternative to the toddler.

Still don't have a job. I have an interview next Thursday for one of the technical high schools. I have to call a guy about a job in Texas, but I might put it off until Monday. I need to do laundry and clean out my suitcase. My cat woke me up far earlier than I would have liked. Gosh, it's good to be home.